Below are four poems by Derrick W Sole on the impact of Suicide .
“Lest We Forget Our Brothers and Sisters in Arms who have Suffered”
P.T.S.D
Suicide is Painful.
The room is cold and clinical, stainless-steel, of it, it seems to be full, I’m looking down from on high, a stainless-steel table, there I lie, what am I doing there to avoid it, did I try.
It was a long journey to end up here, demons called me, and days of fear, a pain I cannot describe, it grabbed my body, from it I could not hide, triggers seemed to be everywhere, I’d conquer one, then another would appear.
I just could not take anymore, the love of those beside me, I felt I had lost, that’s for sure, we seem to argue all the time, drink and drugs, this life I felt was no longer mine.
On my body I did look, in this room cold dark draws, from which me, they took, how long had i been inside, how long had it been before they found me, had they really tried.
Suicide wasn’t what I thought, clean and quick, so rope I brought, I found this tree in a wood far away, on this high branch I tied it, slipped, there they found me, in the wind I did sway.
Not instant like you see, in the films and on TV, I stopped just short of the ground, my neck didn’t break, and there was no one around, I grabbed the rope round my neck, this was a mistake, and now I did regret.
The ground I could touch with the tip of my toes, the pressure around my neck was beginning to grow, I was struggling trying to breathe, a pain in my neck as the rope began to squeeze.
I really didn’t want to die, help I had needed, and for that, this was a cry, slowly I was losing the fight, I could no longer stand on my toes. I must have passed out, day had now turned into night.
My body was cold, and I was in so much pain, my legs hurt so much, my neck was the same, slowly the rope was becoming tight round my neck, my legs could not hold me, slowly I was sinking down to the deck.
The night sky was clear, the stars so bright, I was no longer frightened of life, its death I now fear, I was beginning to breathe in shallow busts, the sun was coming up, too late, this I cannot reverse, death at last.
Derrick W Sole, copyright protected, 2018.
I Thought no one Loved me Anymore.
I see them, people I didn’t know I knew, arms around those, that I definitely do, tears running down their face, why do they cry, when last they were full of rage, I’m looking down on them, but they cannot see my face.
I died in a wood somewhere, rope from a tree, I tried to hang myself, but the time it took, I did not see, there was no snapping of my neck, there was nothing instant about it, in death, would it be something, I would forget.
I thought my death would be the end of it, but for hours, outside I saw them sit, I was not a pretty sight it seems, it took them so long, to find me tangling from those trees.
People came and people went, through those woods, where I hung, life now spent, I could not be seen from any track, families laughing, lovers not looking back, a dog barking, not responding to the calls, a woman standing there, then to the ground she did fall.
I didn’t realise that people cared, I didn’t think, I would ever be found hanging there, I thought my death would be the end of it, gently they cut me down, in a bag, such a snug fit.
Why do those I thought hatted me so, scream out my name, asking, “why did I chose to go”, I tried to tell them, but they couldn’t hear, I thought that no longer, did anyone care.
I thought I would end everyone’s pain, I thought for everyone, my death would be their gain, the demons and triggers where ruling my life, the drugs didn’t work, and the need for alcohol, anything I tried.
I thought you didn’t love me anymore, I saw the anger, and knew for sure, I thought you hated me, and wanted me gone, I thought, you for our children, would find someone, better and strong, so your lives will go on.
I know now its too late, that you did love me, just my demons did you hate, I see now you didn’t know what to do, I know now, my anger frightened you, I see the love in your face, I’m sorry I brought you to this place.
I was calling out for help, but no one would listen, at least, that’s what I felt, I thought you didn’t love me anymore, then I saw you walk out the door, the house was empty, I couldn’t take anymore.
Derrick W Sole, copyright protected, 2018.
His Demons Almost Took Two.
I was there when they cut him down, he was not the man I knew, when he was found, I couldn’t do what these people do, its not a pretty sight, when they find you, time takes its toll, wildlife too.
He was married to my sister, that’s why I’m here, she had been frantic, and this was her worst fear, he was not the man I first knew, built like a brick shite house, always had the answers, always knew what to do.
He was a leader, respected by all, great to have around, and on any pub crawl, full of fun, do anything for a laugh, Zulu Warrior, often he begun, Berlin in winter, he went for a run, his clothes were lost, till out came the sun.
War changes men, boys grew old, most never want to go there again, but its their job, and they go where they are told, no way would they let each other down, so they packed their bags, off to war again they were bound.
Now my sister has lost the love of her life, she still has to see him, but I don’t know how, I tried to tell her, not to put herself through this, she is struggling now, but she needs to see him, she wants that last kiss.
It doesn’t matter how they dress it up, soft lighting, long drapes, through that silence, it’s difficult to cut, she never got that last kiss, her pain was too great, her man, her love, should never have ended up like this.
It had been difficult, they began to fight, not violent at first, but that changed one night, it wasn’t her in his mind, he just struck out, in a rage that was so blind, his demons were wining, grinding him down.
Fortunately, my sister is tough, she had three brothers, and learned to look after herself, growing up, she just moved away and he swung in the air, she could have hit him hard, but she just walked away, and left him there.
He was sorry for weeks, and sincerely so, he agreed to talk, but didn’t know where to go, his doctor just gave him the drugs, but his demons had their claws into him, he was still hurting those, who him did love.
Now my sister is a wreck, it was his demons she hated, but for him, she had great respect, he was her love, her life, I found her on the floor, empty pill bottle, I wasn’t going to let his demons, add to their score.
Derrick W Sole, copyright protected, 2018.
What Did I Do Daddy.
What did I do daddy, what did I do, I didn’t want you to go daddy, daddy I love you, why did you go daddy, I thought you knew, why did you go, whose going to take me to bed, hold me till I sleep, then kiss me on my head.
I use to hear you scream at night, and sometimes with mummy fight, names you called, and even out of bed, I heard you fall, I heard the monster of your sleep, I saw mummy whisper, and in her arms, you she would keep.
That lemonade, you said I could not have, you drank so much, until it made you bad, in so many places, you hid it away, but when mummy found it, bad words she would say, daddy, with who will I now play.
I’m sorry daddy, I didn’t want to hurt you, I know it was my fault, if only I knew what I did do, I will change daddy, please don’t go away, mummies crying, she says, together, again we will never play.
Daddy, I’m sorry, a good boy I will be, daddy, please daddy, don’t leave mummy and me, I won’t do it again daddy, whatever I did do, daddy, please come back, I want to play with you.
The house is so empty now, cold, the sun no longer shines, the curtains are drawn, and mummy has pulled down the blinds, I thought it was your birthday, on the mantlepiece, so many cards in a line.
Nanny and grandpa are here, they sleep in the spare room, until the baby does appear, mummy has stopped painting it, she has shed so many tears, your name she calls, in the baby’s room, I hear.
Nanny said, tomorrow I have to be good, many people are coming, so behave, I should, we have to sit in a strange car, why I do not know, drive to a special place, so with the angel’s, you can go.
Don’t leave us daddy, the baby soon will come, what will I tell the baby, how can I tell it, about you and all our fun, I’m sorry daddy, I know it’s all my fault, I won’t do it again daddy, please daddy, home will you come.
Those big cars are here today, nanny has to hold mummy, comforting words she does say, I am so frightened daddy, I want all these people to go away, daddy please come home, so in the garden, again we can play.
I am all dressed smart daddy, nanny said you would be proud, why are you not here daddy, I look for you in the crowd, I have to sit in that car now daddy, so to the angel’s you can go, I love you daddy, that I hope you did know.
Many people are here daddy, mummy stands so strong, tell me what I did daddy, tell me what I did so wrong, a man plays on his trumpet, as behind the curtains you disappear, be with the angel’s daddy, in my heart you always will be there.
Derrick W Sole, copyright protected, 2020.
MEMORIAL AT PENINSULA LTD wish to thank Derrick W Sols or allowing us to the honour to display his poems.